HOLLA PEEPS :)

it's been AGES since i haven't post anything on my bloggie . time and situation won't let me . i'm sorry . i'll make it up to you kayy :) ? ( it's gonna be the longest post everrr )

hm . idk where to start . there's so many things happened lately . i mean it . MANY THINGS HAPPENED . so i have to tell you all that i'm officially single . yeah , and it fucking sucks .  it ain't easy trying to pretend to hate someone when you don't . maybe i do hate you , a little , kinda . argh . how can i simply hate you after this whole 11-month-relationship ? we're about a year , just 5 days away . 14 February 2012 , on VALENTINE . this year , i'd be a loner . a real loner . hard to accept it . i've been wanting this relationship to reach a year for like all the time , but it didn't happen and never will be .

so my acting really works and everyone thinks that i'm a happy-me again . nobody knows how i really am inside . this year is a total zero for me . i have no special someone , i have no bestfriend , i have nothing . even my family , they're all with their own lives . i'm on my own .
my mother ; she's busy doing her things , she always does but idk what actually she's doing .
my sister ; she's busy with work now and we hardly talk .
i feel empty . i just be friends with my dreams . they're the only thing that had been nice to me . for now . hm .

about YOU :
after the havoc , we've been farrrrr apart . i didn't receive text from her , she didn't reply my posts on facebook . none . but i don't know either what happened to her . maybe she's been grounded . no internet . how about handphone ? maybe she forgot my number or never even memorise it or she's not allowed having phone calls or text anyone anymore . i don't know . everything's a maybe .

i'm confused whether to wait for her or just get over her . i love her . i really do . but i can't deny i'm hurt too . after all the things that we've gone through together , i just can't take it when she cheated on me . and i just know about it long after we've broke up from someone who i thought i never talk to ( i mean, chat to -.-' ) . i've trusted you , but you broke that trust . i admit , i do have a crush on someone . and you know about it . who i crushed for and why . but you ? you told me that you were just friends but i know you liked her . still , you're denying . she's hot , any person could simply fall for her but not you . if you really love me , you won't do that . can you tell how i'm dying when i know that you've been wanting her eventhough you know she's in a relationship with MAC ? what is that ? maybe you don't know why i post " FUCK YOU " on your wall , so this is it . i am ready to forgive you after the incident coz i know you never wanted it that way too , it all happened to fast for us to fix it . but when i know about you and -should i mention her name ? Rachel- , i hate you . i hate you for betraying me , i hate you for breaking my trust , i hate you for not telling me about it , i hate you for not believing me .

another one , that Bella whatever girl . remember the day when we have our -tell the truth- moment ? when you told me that you ask her if she wants to have a relationship with you ? it hurts like shit . if you do know me , you should know that i'm faking my smile and i laugh like a donkey cuz it ain't real -.-" . when we broke up the other day , after a fews days you changed your profile picture to hers . haven't it hurt me already ? but you never knew . all in your thoughts were , " she's having her crush , so why can't i have one too ? " that is totally wrong . CRUSH and LIKE are two different things . and and and , you even keep her pictures in your phone . luckily i phone-check you or else i'd be the stupid one who didn't know that you're head over heels for her . and you didn't keep one , you kept TWO of 'em . now you're saying that you didn't even think wanna flirt with that girl , you're just helping her with her pk , she's like a sister to you and your bestfriend ? you don't flirt your bestfriend or sister dear . f.y.i , i never text or call with my crush , we never had gone out together . i confess to her that i had a crush on her but nothing happened right ? she even treat me like i never exist . but that's okay , like i said to her , i'm not asking her to just like or love me . that's practically CRUSHing someone . but you went out with Bella whatever , texted her and maybe call her sometimes .  what's that ? you tell me .

but i'm just a normal person . even God forgive His people , who am i to judge ? i forgive you . i make mistakes too , and i'm sorry for that . and if you're reading this , i love you . i never even hate you and i don't blame you for what happened . maybe it's just because we're not meant for each other . but that doesn't change anything . my love for you is eternal . and what i post now about ur GF's , are the things that i didn't have the chance to tell you . but here it is , i've said it . so i hope that you'll understand as much as i understand ur situation rite now .

what she said that changed my mind ;

I miss Eva a lot , Aj . i keep hugging her shirt . Wishing i could talk to her again . Wishing could turn back to the time where me and her still together. But now she hates me. She hates me a lot. I think about her smpai i sakit kepala. I keep asking is she fine right now, how is she . I wanna call n text her but i can't coz i want her to forget about me. If i come back to her life, dia hanya akan merana. Hidup dia tidak akan tenang. And what her sister told me was right, i shouldn't contact her anymore coz all she ever get from me is pain. Her sister told me not to contact her anymore, so i will even it hurt so fucking much. I hope she'll forgive me someday .